Recent Posts

Sunshine & Showers

We’ve had the most perfect mix of rain and sunshine lately.

coffee and petals

As much as people like to have a moan when our sunny days are interrupted by a spot of rain our gardens, farms and woodlands need the rain to help plants, flowers and wildlife flourish and grow.

I’ll admit I can do without the slugs and snails, but Simon looks pretty cool, even if he did miss Camo Class 101.

simon the snail

As we headed out for a school doo the air was fresh from a morning down pour, the recent sunshine followed by a few days of showers have given the plants and flowers a real boost.

white blossoms

There have been a few firsts for me this week or so, I saw my first lilacs!

lilacs

And my first wisteria, or rather I took notice of them for the first time, it’s amazing what you don’t always take notice of when walking around.

wisteria

wisteria and driftwood

Once again my clematis seems to be behind everyone else's, ours haven’t even got buds yet!

clematis

raindrops on clematis

raindrops on petals

A few blossom trees are still hanging on, loving the contrast of petals here.

fading blossom

blossom and blue sky

blossom treee

Back at home I am the proud mama to some succulent root babies! These are some of the pieces that got snapped off from the ones Spencer got me. I’m ridiculously excited over these!!

succulents taking root

So, I don’t want to lower the tone, but I am the immature one, and in my defence, this lilac does kinda look like a penis.

A pretty lilac penis.

lilac and vase

 

Birthmark Awareness

To most people a birthmark is nothing of much importance, they either have one or know someone who does, but in the grand scheme of things birthmarks are just ‘there’.

To our family birthmarks are so much more, we nearly lost Ethan as a result of his haemangioma birthmark.

Birthmark

What we and apparently many others, even in the medical field, were unaware of was that birthmarks can grow internally as well as externally.

By 3 months old Ethan's birthmark was growing at an alarming rate covering his bottom lip, lower jaw, left and right cheeks, his right ear and in to his ear canal.

It took my persistence and the amazing staff at the Evalina hospital to determine that Ethan's birthmark was growing inside his windpipe. Imagine trying to breathe through a 1mm wide opening, that is the size to which Ethan's windpipe was reduced to as a result of the birthmark.

It was difficult enough to handle the nasty comments we received from strangers regarding Ethan's appearance, a few of the most notable comments were

‘What did you do to him?’

‘ARRRGH HE’S A MONSTER’ this was followed by the person running away from him

‘You do know you can get him fixed?’

There were so many, each one worse than the other, and whilst I’m sure most were well intended it was rude, heart-breaking and just plain ol’ obnoxious.

Worse though were the people who were ignorant to the fact that Ethan's birthmark was actually killing him. Despite him being in PICU, sedated, undergoing numerous surgeries, and having machines breathe for him, people would still stay ‘It’s just a birthmark’.

They are never ‘just a birthmark’. They are part and parcel of the individual. Some are more pronounced than others, some cause serious issues whilst others don’t. But each one is as much a part of the individual as their limbs or hair. They aren’t something to be mocked and ridiculed, they aren’t to be poked or prodded.

May is Vascular Birthmark Awareness, each year people make an effort to raise awareness for vascular birthmarks, here you can find out a little more about Ethan's experience, which although not typical it is worth knowing that not all birthmarks are visible.

Fading Blooms

And just like that, the blossom has almost gone.

Every year I eagerly await the first blossoms, getting a tad excited at the thought of blooming trees raining down petals in the breeze, yet the joy that the full and heavy branches bring is short lived and filled with sadness for when the last petal drops and the leaves once again rule the trees.

blossoms

This week I went on a trek around town to find more blossom before it’s all gone, and I found it! Seems the microclimates of our little seaside town have staggered the blossoming of trees, which cheered me up after our own tree has failed to do much this year.

blossoms

A few of the trees had these rather random bundles of blossom growing out their trunks on the tiniest of branches.

blossoms

blossoms

Some branches were drooping under the weight of their blossoms.

branches full of blossoms

blossoms

These pink bundles look so much better in person, like little bouquets.

pinl blossom bundles

blossoms

Although not blossom, the yellow whatchamacallit, looks stunning against the pink blossoms.

blossoms

It wasn’t just in town where the blossoms were flourishing, the pathways along the beach are also home to a plethora of trees and bushes which are displaying their blossom in all their glory.

blossoms

beach blossoms

I do love the contrast of the delicate flowers against the sea and sky.

blossoms

I couldn’t help but gather a few broken and felled blooms, these I took home in the hopes of identifying them, alas they all look the same to me!

trying to identify blossoms

But I did end up having a good ol’ faff with the petals and some sea glass I found along the beach.

flaffing with blossoms

driftwood, sea glass and petals

Whilst blossom doesn’t linger, it such makes and impression whilst it is here.

Sea Shells on the Sea Shore

I’m always amazed at the sheer power and ferocity of the sea, but I’m even more amazed that such delicate shells can be tossed around without sustaining too much damage.

eastbourne pier

my sunday

Learning Who I am

To live will be an awfully big adventure – J.M Barrie

In many ways my mental health issues have robbed me of many things, I essentially missed the first 4 years of my children's lives, I ignored my partner, lost friends and distanced myself from family. It cost me my career and a whole host of other momentous and insignificant moments over the past 7 years.

Whilst it would be all to easy to sit here and lament about the things I’ve lost, and believe me it would be easy, I can instead take heed of something my gp said today ‘You need to learn who you are again’.

So, here I am, almost 7 years after I finally found the courage to seek help, preparing to end my reliance on antidepressants. This piece of paper is the culmination of 7 years worth of tears, anger, panic, suicidal thoughts, violence, desolation, emptiness, self loathing, therapy, drugs and a whole host of emotions for which I just don't have the words.

But this is my last antidepressant prescription.

my last prescription

I've got just over 100 days of pill popping before I'm drug free. I've been slowly weaning myself off them for the past 2 months, it’s been both exhilarating and terrifying. To know I can cope with the challenges life throws at me and my mood swings on a lower dose has been fist bumping amazing but the fear that I could slip up and revert back to the empty shell of a person I was terrifies me.

I’m still feeling anxiety at times, panic attacks are a worry as I don’t do them easy, but as shitty as they are, they beat feeling numb to everything.

The years haven’t been easy, for a long while I never thought I'd get here, it feels kinda surreal and more than a little scary.

I now need to figure out who I am, because whilst I’m a mother, I need to find an identity that is also my own. One that doesn’t live in fear and hide from people or life. And honestly, I consider myself pretty darn lucky to have this opportunity to live once again, I fully intend to make the most of it.

Whilst I doubt I will ever be able to 100% escape my PTSD and anxiety, it feels fucking amazing to know I can live with it.
And even if I slip back once in awhile, or even need the drugs again, at least I know I can beat this.

It’s too easy to get trapped in the belief that once depression takes hold you can’t escape it. I wont pretend it was or is an easy journey to recovery, but it is certainly one that is possible, one step and one day at a time.

“MumofThree

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